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I had stopped taking hormone replacement therapy after the health scares. Perhaps I could blame it on that.I told Ginny about my confrontation with Howard. She scolded me for being so careless. She knew of my desire to take a lover. She does not approve. She warned me that Howard would never accept it. She can't understand why I would want to cheat on him. She sees him as the perfect husband. She's right of course. He is perfect. Too perfect.Why am I so hell-bent on self-destruction? Why do I think I can have my wonderful husband and another man on the side? I don't understand myself. It's not like I haven't had the experience of other men before Howard and I met. I know the difference. I know how much better Howard is than other men. What is driving me to the edge of this cliff?Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I do need psychiatric help. Maybe it does have to do with menopause. Too many questions. Too much confusion. I won't solve these questions lying in bed. It was time to get up and. It wasn't that I was adverse to the thought of fucking this beautiful golden blonde hair woman, just that I really didn't care to hurt Shanna, who had done nothing but care for me.Julia wasn't about to give up, though. "You know she loves you, right?" The words delivered so matter-of-factly, seemed to come out of nowhere.Of course I suspected that she might care for me more than just a little, but the 'L' word was a bit strong. Wasn't it? Thinking back to when she had taken care of me, after I'd been so exhausted from Lela, and everything else since then, I could see how what Julia had said might be true."How do you know this?" I asked. "Did she tell you?"Julia looked down at her feet, while she fidgeted before answering. "Well, no, but you can tell by the way she lights up when you're around her. She actually DIMS when you leave. I swear it. If that isn't love, then I don't know what is." And you want me to use that love, so that she'll allow me into your pants, is that it?" I.
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